I am very fond of you

See, I didn’t mean to break my neck
I was just walking and the trees their beauty killed me
The changing light and the scenery and the knowledge of the sky
This idea of intimacy and the infinity
I felt so tiny

Do you know how strong the sweat of a horse smells
Have you already noticed the muscles?
The way their eyes look like a virgin child while their hips are all I ever wanted from a man
Do you think they feel with the flies in their eyes and all
Yet when they shiver and move swiftly
Breaking them it breaks me
I always felt nauseous on a saddle

The air is often chilly around four
That’s how you know when to turn round
But the sun in the sky kept on teasing me
I never wanted to be easy
The key is where the secret lies

Now imagine the rocks, the sky, the distance and my size
I was alone, the wind kept on mingling my thoughts
Summoning feelings, memories and ideas
I wasn’t happy but I’d forgotten the taste of pain
I wasn’t bored either I was slowly turning into flowers and leaves and soil and clouds
I didn’t know what was happening, I couldn’t name it
I wasn’t giving up I was letting go
Nothing mattered to me no more

The first thing I would go home
Switch off the phone take my camera a book a piece of paper
Record my voice saying that now I know

I didn’t shout
My heart didn’t pound
I felt very light
I knew my body would be spread on the ground

Dara Birnbaum